Thunder Clap, Crackle, Boom
by Xican
Summary: Xander is one lucky geek.


TITLE - Thunder Clap, Crackle, Boom  
  
1 AUTHOR - Xican  
  
EMAIL - Ocd551@aol.com  
  
DATE - October 25, 2001  
  
DISCLAIMER - All characters are property of Joss Whedon, Sandollar, Kuzui, the WB, and UPN. Except for Vasudhara, who belongs to the people, I guess. The story belongs to me, biznatch.  
  
PAIRING - Xander/Glory, AU, Challenge Fic  
  
RATING - PG-13 for language  
  
SPOILERS - Post 'Tough Love'  
  
DEDICATION - Danii for setting up the challenge and Jason Thompson for making Xander/Glory cool.  
  
SUMMARY - Xander is one lucky bastard.  
  
NOTE - This is in response to Danii's 'Quote Challenge'. The requirements are at the bottom.  
  
***  
  
Do you know what the best thing about having a Goddess for a wife is?  
  
You get your own servants. And you get to name them, too.  
  
"Bobbert. Get me some more Coke. And three ice this time."  
  
"Right away your Masterfullness. And is there anything else that you would like for me to get you?"  
  
"Nah, I'm okay for now."  
  
I'm just sitting here, on the deck of Glory's... our penthouse apartment, drinking Coke and having a good time.  
  
Perhaps it would be best for me to explain how I got in this situation in the first place. Okay, cool, flashback...  
  
***  
  
It started about six months ago, when we (Buffy, Willow, Anya, Giles, a babbling Tara, and myself) were in the Magic Box, trying to come up with a way stop Glory and fix Tara. It was the middle of the day so Spike was off somewhere, probably being all stalker like, and Dawn was at a school.  
  
Tara was going from cryptic mutterings to incoherent ramblings at the drop of a hat.  
  
"The blood is the key," she said.  
  
Willow looked at her, trying to get every possible clue from what she was saying. "Whose blood, sweetie?"  
  
"Hers," she said, pointing to the corner of the shop, "the skiing elephant..."  
  
Anya, who was getting on my nerves all day, threw her arms up.  
  
"Great. Not only do we have to have the shop closed for this little powwow, which, as you know, means no revenue, but our only clues are coming from an insane girl who is seeing a skiing elephant."  
  
"Hey," I said, breaking into the conversation for the first time, "you don't have to be insane in order to see a skiing elephant."  
  
That was probably the wrong thing to say, because everybody had stared at me.  
  
"There could be other reasons for seeing something like that. Alright, if you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid..."  
  
I didn't get to explain what I meant by that because at that moment a flashing light blinded me, and I was experiencing the most excruciating pain ever. Have you ever accidentally shot yourself in the nuts? Well, I haven't, but I'm sure that this is the same kind of pain.  
  
So blinding light, excruciating pain, right. I open my eyes, which hurt a lot more than it probably should have, to see... more blinding light. Jeez.  
  
"Awe, crap. I'm dead."  
  
"You're not dead."  
  
"I'm not?" I say without thinking about whom would be talking to me.  
  
I turn around and see the most awe inspiring sights that I have ever seen. And I've seen some pretty awe inspiring stuff, like my substitute science teacher turning into a praying mantis, an attempted demon ascension, and a naked Tara dancing around singing Rio. That's actually a funny story. Remind me to tell it to you sometime.  
  
Anyway, the new awe inspiring sight.  
  
It was an eight-foot tall, six-armed woman. She was holding a book, a stalk of grain, a far that was filled with water, and a whole bunch of jewels. And she had really big boobs.  
  
And, since I'm an idiot, I said the first thing that came into my mind.  
  
"You must give great hand jobs."  
  
Stupid I know. I'm pretty sure that I offended her because all these flame what up all around the place.  
  
Then she leaned in really close to me. "Have you ever been comically bitch- slapped by a six-armed goddess?" she asked.  
  
Well, I've been comically bitch-slapped by something with six arms before, but I'm pretty sure that it was not a goddess.  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"Would you like to be?" she asked, still really close to me. Gee, that's some mighty impressive cleavage you've got there.  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"Then keep the jokes to yourself." She then pulled back and the flames died all around me.  
  
"Alexander Lavelle Harris," she said, "I am the goddess Vasudhara, and this is THE REALM OF THE GOD'S."  
  
As she said the last part, lightning cracked and thunder flashed. I know it's supposed to be the other way around, but it's what happened, I swear.  
  
"Wow," I said in typical Xand fashion, "I could hear the all caps there."  
  
She smirked. "It's a gift, and what did I say about the jokes?"  
  
"Sorry," I said sheepishly.  
  
For the next minute, I looked around at my new surroundings. It was awfully white and bright. There was a waterfall behind her, and a grassy hill surrounding it. Birds of varied colors flew around us, monkeys were climbing around in trees on the hill, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was about this time that I realized that I wasn't in Kansas anymore. Or Sunnydale. Whatever.  
  
"Jesus!" I cried out.  
  
"Where?" Vasudhara cried, looking around annoyed.  
  
I found it strange that she would take me literally here, but then I realized that if Glory exists as a goddess, and Vasudhara exists as a goddess, then why couldn't Jesus exist as the Son of God, or at the very least son of a god.  
  
"Uh, I didn't mean that literally. I meant, Jesus in the sense as what the hell is going on here?" I explained.  
  
"Oh," she said. "You see, those in THE REALM OF THE GODS"  
  
again with the thunder and lightning  
  
"are able to choose one mortal every lunar year to bestow a gift or curse upon. Maui, being the goddess of good fortune and such and such, usually give gifts. This year, I have decided to give you a gift for your years of self sacrifice and bravery."  
  
Imagine that.  
  
"Let me get this straight," I asked slowly. "After five years of fighting things that go bump in the night, thinking that nobody gave a shit over what I did, I was getting rewarded by the REALM,"  
  
no thunder or lightning. Damn.  
  
"of GODS?"  
  
She gave me a full smile this time. "That's right. And it's THE and OF."  
  
Thunder clap, crackle, boom  
  
I wasn't really convinced. I didn't deserve this. Okay, so maybe I did. Just trying to give an example of self-sacrifice here.  
  
"You do realize that you could give this gift to Buffy, or Giles, or Willow, right?"  
  
She looked down at me with a look that said 'who the hell cares about them' when she said "Who the hell cares about them? I want to give this gift to you."  
  
Can't argue with that logic. "Bitchin. So, what's my reward? A toaster oven? A lifetime supply of Twinkies? An early release of the X-Box?"  
  
At this, Vasudhara's grin got larger, which kind of unnerved me.  
  
"Nope. Hold on," she said.  
  
She lifted her six arms in the air and suddenly the room was filled with a bright light again. Thankfully, there was no ball shot pain this time. When the room was returned to normal, there was a new occupant.  
  
***  
  
All right, let me take a break here, I'm out of Coke.  
  
"Sancho."  
  
God I love naming these guys.  
  
"I need more Coke."  
  
Bobbert, being the butt kisser that he is, tried to run back into the room to retrieve my Coke before Sancho. He shouldn't even try. Sancho moves much more quickly.  
  
"Are you Sancho? I do not think so. No, I am Sancho." He took the glass from my hand and Bobbert walked away grumbling.  
  
"Thanks San. Three ice, please?"  
  
"Of course your Worshipfullness," he said, groveling and moving back into the kitchen. I love these guys, can't stress that enough.  
  
Anyhoo, back to the story.  
  
***  
  
So anyway, new occupant.  
  
Glory.  
  
She looked around at her surroundings, then at Vasudhara. Then her gaze fell upon me.  
  
"YOU!" she screamed. "You're the one who smacked upside the head with that steel bar last week!"  
  
When the bright blue energy gathered around her as she raised her arms up, I was about to flee in manly terror behind Vasudhara, but thankfully she yelled "Stop!" before any damage could be done.  
  
Glory reluctantly brought her arms down and stared defiantly at Vas.  
  
"You dare to bring me here, to THE REALM OF THE GODS,"  
  
dammit, even she could do it  
  
"and then command me to stop from destroying a lowly human? And I thought that you had finally come to your senses and decided to reinstate my official Goddessness," she yelled.  
  
"Well, in a way we have," Vasudhara said. This perked Glory up right away.  
  
"You see Glory," she continued, "I have decided that young Mr. Harris here shall be rewarded for his life long selflessness and for the fact that he continues to fight the forces of evil without the bonus of having powers."  
  
"Whoopee, what does that have to do with me?" Glory demanded. I kind of wanted to know also.  
  
HB looked at the both of us and said "You see Glory, we have decided that Alexander's reward shall be you."  
  
I stopped breathing. I was getting a goddess as a reward for pretty being a punching bag for vampires. This had to be the coolest thing that has ever happened in the history of cool things.  
  
Glory pretty much had the opposite reaction, though.  
  
"WHAT! You can't do that! It is against the rules to make another god do anything unless it is something that said god wants to do! And it doesn't matter if I am a fallen goddess or not, you can't do that!"  
  
I have never heard anybody screech that loud before.  
  
Vasudhara didn't look like she was affected at all though. "I am well aware of the rules," she said, "which is why I have consulted with other gods and have come up with this compromise. If you agree to join Alexander in marriage, we will give you back your full godhood status, provided that you take care of each other and don't try to open up Hell on Earth or something stupid like that."  
  
All right, I had to stop and think about this for a minute, because you see, there was always the possibility that a hot woman, power, and status would not be enough for me to be married.  
  
Okay, okay, I'm shallow. It was more than enough. I only said it was a possibility. So I was sold.  
  
Of course, Glory wasn't. "What if I refuse? I doing pretty well in recovering my full godhood by myself."  
  
"If you continue on the path that you are on, the Slayer will destroy you. I don't think that is something that you would like to experience," Vasudhara told her solemnly.  
  
Glory face scrunched up in an adorable manner. "What about Ben? Will I still change beck and forth between the two of us?"  
  
Ugh. I hadn't thought about that. Nothing against that lifestyle, but I think it would be kind of weird to wake up next to a guy every couple of days. Thankfully, Vasudhara killed those worries.  
  
"Ben will be given his full mortality, separate from you. You will both be free from each other. Any other worries?"  
  
Glory was now looking rapidly from Vasudhara to myself. "When- when would the wedding ceremony take place?"  
  
"We could do the ceremony right now," Vasudhara said, and the room was once again bathed in light. When I could see again, there was now a twelve-tier wedding cake between Glory and myself.  
  
It kind of spooked the both of us because we both jumped back. Glory was now eyeing the cake, Vas, and me and muttering to herself.  
  
"Easy way or hard way? Ben or Glory? Cake or death?"  
  
She then looked up at me and smirked.  
  
"You are kind of cute. All right, I agree."  
  
I know. I couldn't believe it either. Glory had actually agreed to be my wife. Me. The Zeppo. I know, it's kind of shallow, we would marrying each other for power instead of love, but love could always come later. Kind of like Yoko and Jon.  
  
Vasudhara grabbed both our hands with four of hers.  
  
"By the power vested in me by... me, I guess, I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."  
  
I turned to Glory and I knew that I had a smirk that mirrored her own.  
  
"First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow!" I said.  
  
And we kissed. And what a fine kiss it was. It felt like the room was suddenly getting very bright... until I realized that it was. When we pulled away from each other, we discovered that we were no longer with THE REALM (unfortunately, marrying a Goddess does not give the cool thunder clap, crackle, boom effects), but we were instead in the Magic Box. With everybody staring at us.  
  
Cue the ominous music.  
  
***  
  
After promising to pay for repairing the shop and Giles' hospital bills, Glory un-brainsucked Tara and we told our story to the gang.  
  
Buffy sat shocked, Willow started babbling and ran into the storage room, with Tara following her, and Giles was still out with a concussion.  
  
Anya ran out of the store, yelling something about infidelity.  
  
Yeah. In the whole blinding light, Goddess marrying event that I had just been through, I kind of forgotten about my girlfriend. Oh, well. I was gonna dump her anyway.  
  
Anyway, fast-forward some. Buffy started accepting Glory, realizing that a Goddess on her side could possibly be seen as a good thing. Dawn had trouble getting used to her, until she took her shopping and bought thousands of dollars worth of clothes. Willow is obsessively looking for the next Big Bad to use her Wicca skills on. I tell you, that girl is going insane. Tara has accepted Glory the most, I guess because she knew what it was like to be the outsider of the gang. Spike... well, who the hell cares what Spike thinks of the situation. Giles likes her because she is very helpful in identifying rare artifacts and pretty much doing Anya's old job.  
  
Oh yeah, Anya. After running out of the Magic Box, D'Hoffryn came by and offered her the old job back. She accepted, and a week later she arrived to wreak havoc on my like. Glory kicked her ass and sent her packing. Good riddance.  
  
***  
  
Which brings us to now. Glory and I are actually doing very well together. We haven't even tried to kill each other, and that's always a positive sign. Actually, she told me that she loved me the other day. Course, it was mid orgasm, but it was shocking, to say the least.  
  
Where is she now? She's shopping with Tara and Dawn, no doubt buying incredibly expensive items. Oh well, not my money.  
  
"Your Worshipfullness?" Sancho's back. Good. I need a refill.  
  
"Yes, Sancho?"  
  
"Her Most Majestic Beauteousness Glory has returned."  
  
"Groovy. Hey, do you think you could get me some more Coke?"  
  
"Of course your Worshipfullness," he says as he walks backward into a wall before redirecting himself toward the kitchen.  
  
I walk into the main living room, were Dredge and Jynx have deposited a mass number of shopping bags.  
  
"Hey sweetie. Whatcha get me?"  
  
She looks up at me with that smirk that I just want to lick off her face.  
  
"I didn't get you anything. Unless of course you want to help me try on my new lingerie?"  
  
I look at the bags and see that five of them are from Victoria's Secret. Oh yeah.  
  
"Glory?"  
  
She looks up at me. "Yeah, hun?"  
  
"Give me some sugar, baby..."  
  
[ E N D ]  
  
NOTE 2 - Vasudhara is an actual deity in Buddhism. She is the goddess of wealth, good fortune, and abundance. No offense is intended in her portrayal.  
  
***  
  
-"Have you ever been comically bitch-slapped by a six-armed goddess?"  
  
-"You're not dead."  
  
"I'm not?"  
  
-"Cake or Death?"  
  
-"If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on  
  
acid..."  
  
-"Are you Sancho? I do not think so. No, I am Sancho."  
  
-"Jesus!"  
  
"Where?"  
  
-"First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow!"  
  
-"Gimme some sugar, baby..." (oh yeah, Ash's the man!)  
  
-"Bobbert." 


End file.
